


Conflict Resolution

by cissyalice



Series: your life was my life's best part [6]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: ADHD, Daryl and Magna have other ideas, F/F, I'm referring to the symptom not the story element, I’m wrestling yumagna through their issues one fic at a time, Kelly and Yumiko just want everyone to get along, Past Abuse, Self-Harm, baby magna, complex PTSD, emotional flashbacks, implied eating disorder/disordered eating, protective girlfriend mode activated, too many flashbacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:00:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29462409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cissyalice/pseuds/cissyalice
Summary: “You’d think getting stuck in a cave together would iron out any residual hostilities.”Magna snorted but said nothing.Yumiko cut to the chase. “What did Daryl say?”“Maybe I was the one who said something.”“Maybe,” Yumiko granted. “But you’re not trying to melt that knife with the power of your gaze because of something you said.”Magna hardened her jaw, remained silent.She might just have to table this as one of those things that her girlfriend refused to talk about and try to do damage control with what little information she did have. If it failed, she could seek out Kelly later and ask for details on what went down.. . .The aftermath of the stash. Set post 10.16. As things settle down, Yumiko and Magna find they still have a lot to talk about.
Relationships: Connie/Daryl Dixon (referenced), Daryl & Yumiko, Kelly & Yumiko, Kelly (Walking Dead: Magna's Group) & Magna (Walking Dead), Magna/Yumiko (Walking Dead)
Series: your life was my life's best part [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676368
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	1. Trust

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nadiahilkerfan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadiahilkerfan/gifts).



> so the first two chapters of this fic are flashbacks (sorry) and then the third chapter will take us to the present, which is about a week or so after episode 10.16. I want to make it clear that this fic series will not be following the events of canon post 10.12 (though I will occasionally refer to bits and pieces of it, like facing the horde in 10.16). If I make any fics related to canon post 10.12, they will likely be spinoffs and won't affect the universe of this fic. Also, any backstory we find out about Magna and Yumiko on the show from now on will also likely be ignored because I've got about 80k words worth of draft and it all depends very heavily on backstory details that I've made up and I don't want to toss it all away. Hopefully that's okay.
> 
> The first part of this chapter takes place after my last fic, We're On the Borderline, and the second part takes place the day after 10.5
> 
> Sigh. The way my Yumiko centric fic just keeps getting pushed back further and further. . .
> 
> I know that at least two more fics (possibly three) have to take place before that one, but hopefully no more than that.
> 
> Anyway, take this Miko centric chapter in compensation until I finally get around to that.

**Past**

"You know, sooner or later you're gonna have to let Magna in on the fact that she's your girlfriend."

At Kelly's words, Yumiko resisted the urge to roll her eyes, not bothering to look up. "She's not my girlfriend."

They were skinning that morning's catch - a rabbit and a squirrel - and readying them for the night's stew.

She grimaced, glancing down at what was left of the rabbit in front of her, remembering her sweet bunny, Matilda, who had followed her around everywhere as a child. This felt somewhat sacrilegious.

If it wasn't deeply impractical, the apocalypse would have made a vegetarian out of her years ago.

Kelly eyed her with a profound level of skepticism. "You share a sleeping bag every night - a really tiny one, too. Even when it's hot as fuck. And the _cuddling._ I'm pretty sure you've been going steady for the past eight years."

_More like nine._

She might have laughed at the assessment if it wasn't so painfully accurate.

"It's complicated."

Things with Magna often were.

Hell, things with herself too.

"Yeah, falling for your best friend usually is." Kelly shrugged, not seeming nearly as bothered by this fact as Yumiko. "But it's also really fucking simple. You love her. She loves you. What could be more simple than that?"

In a way, she was right. Their feelings for each other _were_ as simple and straightforward as they came (whether both of them were aware of those feelings or not). But she and Magna weren't simple people and neither was their relationship - and it would become even less so if they attempted to interfere with what had become the reliable workings of a well-oiled machine.

That made all the difference.

"Magna and I both. . . have issues." That was putting it lightly. "Especially when it comes to relationships." Magna might wear those issues more blatantly than she did but that didn't stop Yumiko from being aware of her own share of complexities that she brought to the table.

Her own baggage, which some days seemed to hold the weight of the entire planet.

Kelly shrugged once more. "We're eight years into an apocalypse. Everyone has issues." Despite her flippant tone, there was a dash of empathy to her gaze.

True. But not everyone had issues before the apocalypse even had a chance to dish them out. She also suspected that, in a way, civilization's demise had been good for Magna. She fit far more comfortably in this new world than she ever had in the old one. The rules made sense to her, whilst society's rules had only brought about alienation, even persecution. And so the apocalypse had helped her - or, at the very least, hadn't harmed her.

The same couldn't be said for Yumiko.

She could survive this world, she could even live in it - but not without sacrificing far too much of herself in the process. That was the price.

And Yumiko had decided years ago that she was willing to pay it.

(no matter how much shame that brought her)

Frowning, her gaze drifted to the subject of their conversation. Magna was sharpening one of her countless knives and, as if sensing Yumiko's attention on her, glanced up. There was a momentary look of surprise before she smiled, the way she had once seen her smile when she opened the door to Yumiko's fridge and found, for the first time, a bottle of non-homogenised full cream milk staring back at her. The woman was a bit of a milk snob but didn't have the budget to buy the kind she'd adored for free as a child. Yumiko would have bought it for her - anything to witness the delight that always came over Magna's face whenever she got the opportunity to drink it - but she knew that the gesture would be rejected, if it didn't offend her outright.

So she'd bought a bottle for her own apartment, the day Magna was expected to come over for dinner.

The smile on her face when she saw it was well worth getting up early to make the side trip to a specialty store before work.

Yumiko's expression fell a moment later, however, as she thought over their current predicament. She wondered if Magna would still smile at her like that after she learned the truth about what lay between them.

She knew that she should just bite the bullet and get it over with but. . .

Kelly didn't miss the shift in her mood. "What is it?"

Yumiko sighed, "It's nothing." She looked down, away from Magna, back to the grizzly looking carcass in her hands. An action that was rather difficult to execute - the object of her affections offered a far more inviting view. "I don't know, sometimes I get the feeling that she's still holding something back from me."

After eleven years of friendship, it was getting to be a little worrying.

"Yeah, the fact that she wants to jump your bones."

Yumiko rolled her eyes, shoving the younger woman's shoulder. "I really doubt that's it."

Especially because she still wasn't convinced Magna was even _aware_ that she wanted to 'jump her bones'. She hadn't forgotten that tipsy declaration years ago, her guileless conviction that she was immune to the workings of romantic love. Yumiko hadn't seen any evidence since then to mark a shift in that belief.

And whilst she didn't have any concrete proof to suggest that Magna was indeed holding something back from her, she did have this feeling. . .

An irritatingly persistent one.

But perhaps this was just another way for her anxiety over the state of their relationship to unsettle her. Another deterrent to keep her from taking that irrevocable step, risking all they had, and confessing her feelings for the woman she couldn't bear to lose.

Her conversation with Connie was still fresh in her mind and, although she'd taken pains to obliterate the distance that had grown between them - not wanting Magna to spend another second thinking that Yumiko was upset with her - she still hadn't _done_ anything about it.

She still hadn't told Magna the truth.

Perhaps this was just her brain's way of grasping at any excuse it could find not to do so.

But even with this rationalization, she still felt uneasy. She knew Magna better than anyone and she knew when something was bothering her, whether she was willing to give voice to it or not.

Hopefully, Kelly was right and the other woman was simply conflicted over her 'secret' feelings for her. Which would pass when she came to be more accustomed to them.

Hopefully.

* * *

**Three Weeks Ago**

"You know it wasn't just her, right?"

Kelly's voice startled her from the memory and Yumiko frowned, glancing up from the shirt she'd been inspecting. It was Magna's. Her favorite. But the other woman had left it behind when she'd fled their room last night. Had left everything behind, in fact. And she hadn't returned since to grab any of her things, even though she must surely be in need of them by now.

That damn book Magna had been using to ignore her yesterday was resting on their bedside table, an old sock sticking out of it as some poor excuse for a bookmark. She'd spent most of last night lying on their bed, staring at it as the hours crept on, her mind racing with all she'd just learned. All she hadn't known. The things they'd said to each other.

That book mocked her into the early hours of the morning, until she'd finally passed out from exhaustion.

She wondered whether Magna had fared any better when it came to sleep. Knowing her, probably not.

That made her feel guilty. Which just pissed her off even more because she _shouldn_ _'t_ feel guilty. Magna was the one who'd fucked up. She was the one who'd-

Yumiko closed her eyes.

She couldn't even think about what she'd done, or begin to process it. The enormity of her lie, her betrayal. . .

It made the last thirteen years of her life, of _their_ life, feel like a sham.

How could she do this to them?

To _her_?

"What?" Yumiko asked, frowning slightly in confusion. Kelly had come in about ten minutes ago under the guise of hanging out - though she suspected it was just a poorly veiled attempt to find out what the hell was going on with her friends. But Yumiko had accepted the ruse without comment, glad for the company, a chance to distract herself. Besides, they hadn't been spending a lot of time together lately, too much going on, too many other people to talk to, and she'd missed Kelly. Missed their conversations. Even moreso now, in light of how close they'd come to losing her.

But her thoughts kept straying back to fucking Magna.

The enforced distance between them did nothing to keep the other woman from her mind and it was beginning to grate.

"The stash," Kelly said simply. "It wasn't just Magna. We both thought it was the smart thing to do."

Yumiko sighed, tossing the shirt in her hand aside. If Magna wanted it, she could damn well come and get it herself. Yumiko wasn't going to make it easy for her. Far from it.

Kelly's words did nothing to assuage her anger. "I know."

The stealing she could have forgiven. The stealing she understood. But the lie?

Yumiko didn't think she could ever understand that.

Or forgive it.

Kelly frowned. "Then why is it only her you're angry at?"

She'd been rifling through the drawers and bringing out articles of clothing - all Magna's - to make a pile on the bed. Yumiko was beginning to realize that maybe Kelly had possessed an ulterior motive for coming here today besides the obvious opportunity to probe, that maybe Magna had sent her to collect her things.

So she wouldn't have to risk facing Yumiko.

She kneaded her forehead, already feeling the beginnings of a headache.

How had it come to this?

Taking her hand away with a sigh, Yumiko hesitated, wondering how best to explain her position to Kelly. To help her understand something that even _she_ couldn't fully wrap her head around. And to do so without violating Magna's privacy. As angry with her as she was right now, she would never do that. She would never betray Magna's trust, not in the way she'd betrayed hers.

"Because I used to be a part of those decisions," she exhaled. The stealing, at least, Kelly already knew about. So that was a good place to start. "For ten years, that's how we did things. And if she didn't include me in the process, then at least she told me about it after. And I _was_ angry at you. But the hurt. . . that was all Magna."

Kelly nodded in understanding. "You trusted her more."

She hesitated again because that wasn't exactly right. "Not more. Just differently. Like I'm sure you trust Connie differently than you trust me."

She'd _thought_ she and Magna had some sort of understanding. That thirteen years of knowing one another, trusting one another, had given them that. They'd disagreed on things in the past. That was to be expected.

But Magna had never blocked her out so absolutely as she had this year. Left her in the dark, lied to her face when Yumiko had thought to question her.

If an understanding _had_ existed between them, apparently Magna had decided it wasn't worth shit.

"She's your person."

Yumiko nodded slowly. That was an accurate moniker for what Magna was to her. Client, friend, girlfriend - even family - never quite seemed to cover it; to fully encapsulate the other woman's significance in her life.

Privately, within the safety and seclusion of her own thoughts, Magna was simply _hers._

Or she had been.

Yumiko closed her eyes, pushed away that thought. "And it turns out she lied about something else. Something . . ." She shook her head uselessly, "a lot bigger."

Kelly nodded, thoughtful. "I get that. Betrayal hurts, especially when it comes from the person closest to you." She frowned, though. "But you know you're everything to her, right?"

Yumiko's brow furrowed, not sure where she was going with this.

She certainly hadn't _felt_ like 'everything' last night.

She'd felt like trash.

Kelly went on, "I just mean, whatever shit she did, she wasn't doing it to hurt you. She'd never want to do anything to hurt you. That's gotta count for something, right?"

Yumiko smiled sadly. "Motive matters, yeah. Doesn't make it hurt any less, though."

She'd known Magna for thirteen years. Had _trusted_ her for thirteen years.

And it was all a lie.

"I guess not," Kelly muttered, gaze dropping to the shirt in her hands.

Trust was important to Yumiko.

She'd seen what the violation of it had done to her parent's marriage, endured the screaming matches, the cascading decimation of love and goodwill. She'd made a promise to herself a long time ago that she would never fall victim to a similar fate, that she would never allow herself to be trapped in such a volatile cycle.

Once the trust was gone, Yumiko had resolved, she would be too.

It was harder to hold onto that conviction, however, when it was Magna she had to leave.

But she didn't know how their relationship could survive without that one pivotal brick in their foundation.

(nor was she entirely sure she wanted it to)

Thank god they didn't have kids.

Though, Kelly was looking at her right now like a teenager who'd just been caught in the middle of a vicious custody battle.

It wouldn't be easy on their group, if she and Magna were to split up. That was for sure. Yumiko would strive to keep things civil, to make it clear that there were no sides that anyone need take.

But, still, it would be tough.

Hopefully, one day, she and Magna would be able to stitch together the tattered remains of their friendship.

Maybe.

She wasn't sure she wanted that, either.

To be entirely honest, she didn't know _what_ she wanted.

Other than for none of this to be happening in the first place.

For Magna never to have lied to her.

Why did she have to lie to her?

Kelly's earlier words stirred that boiling pot of anger and doubt inside her.

(' _She wasn_ _'t doing it to hurt you_.')

God, she wished she could believe that. Knew that such a belief would have been concrete, utterly impenetrable until last night.

Now it felt shaky, crumbling to dust under her fingertips at the slightest touch.

"And honestly," Yumiko added, "I'm not sure I know anything about Magna anymore." She ducked her head, anger falling beneath a growing wave of grief.

Could it have all been a lie? Everything they'd gone through? Every moment?

Logically, she knew that couldn't be true. That no-one who wasn't at least borderline psychopathic could keep up such a ruse for that long. And Magna was a lot of things but never that.

It couldn't all be a lie. Rationally, she knew it couldn't be.

But her heart wondered.

Kelly looked at her like she'd just said something incredibly stupid. "You know who Magna is, Miko. You know her better than anyone, one lie can't change that."

Yumiko kept her head down. "This one can."

There was a noise of slight disbelief and when she looked up Kelly was eying her, for the first time a hint of worry in her gaze. Like she was just now piecing together that this wasn't another of their routine fights. That it wasn't going to be solved by a night or two spent apart, whilst both parties cooled down. "You guys going to be okay?"

The million-dollar question.

Right now, she couldn't imagine a future where she and Magna would ever be okay again.

But she also couldn't imagine one without her.

"I don't know," she murmured.

Kelly hesitated. "But you're _Magna and Miko_. You're like a package deal. Always have been."

Yumiko pursed her lips, wishing those words didn't feel like nails, scouring the toughening edges of her heart. "Well, maybe we won't be now."

The younger woman eyed her a moment, frown inching further and further across her face, before taking a step forward and slumping onto the bed beside her. "You know that's crazy talk, right?"

Yumiko's head jerked up, heat blazing through her. "Excuse me-"

"I just mean, you guys have been through so much together. And no matter what it feels like now, you're fooling yourself if you think that you don't actually know almost every square inch of that woman." Seeing that Yumiko was getting ready to protest, she hastened to continue. "Look, I'm not saying you don't have a right to be pissed over whatever it is she did, or hurt, but think about all the shit you've survived together, the sheer number of times you've walked through hell for each other. Thirteen years is a long time, you really want to throw that away?"

She thought of the tub of ice-cream that Magna, without fail, always kept tucked away in her freezer. Just for her. Even though she hated ice-cream. Even though she forgot to buy groceries for herself more often than not, she always remembered to have ice-cream for Yumiko.

She'd never asked for it.

Never even hinted that she wanted it. Was more than happy with the sizable tubs she kept in her own freezer, that she could partake in when she returned home.

But Magna, for whatever reason, considered it a must.

Because Yumiko loved it.

The memory of holding Magna's stiff, bleeding hand in hers came to her then. The way she hadn't hesitated, not even for a second, to do damage to herself, to _hurt_ herself, in order to save Yumiko's life. And then had seemed almost confused by the amount of gratitude she'd received for the act.

Remembered even more clearly how that hand had trembled in her grip as she held it, waiting for Magna to relax, to accept her touch - to understand that Yumiko didn't give a fuck about five insignificant dots of ink. She'd been so scared, so ready for judgment - expecting nothing else.

That fear made even more sense now.

Now that she knew the truth.

 _Why_ couldn't she have just told her?

Why did she have to wait ten more years to pull the rug out from under her feet? Wait for them to fall in love, to cross that terrifying border, to share in things that Yumiko had never shared with anyone?

Why did she have to do this to them?

But she remembered that hand, how breathtaking it had been to finally hold it, to later have Magna reach out and take hers of her own accord.

In that moment, Yumiko had felt like she was flying.

Could she really go through the rest of her life without feeling that again?

"No," she said quietly after a long pause, not sure if she was answering Kelly or herself. "But right now I don't want to keep it either." Right now, it hurt too much. Right now, it was too hard to even think about moving past it, moving forward. "I just. . . I need space. To figure out what I do want. And whether this is something I can forgive." Though it was hard to forgive someone when they hadn't even apologized. "I think we both need space. For now, at least."

"Huh." Kelly's chin jerked up a little. "She must be thinking the same."

Yumiko's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"Magna." Kelly shrugged. "She volunteered in a flash for that mission with Aaron." At Yumiko's confused look, "She didn't tell you? Connie's going cos Daryl's going and I ain't letting her go without me. But Magna was the first to volunteer. Kinda think she just wants to stab something."

Yumiko scoffed. "Probably." She frowned a moment later, though, and Kelly didn't miss it.

A hurt and angry Magna was a reckless Magna.

Well, more reckless than usual, anyway.

The younger woman smiled at her, seeming to read her thoughts. "Don't worry. Connie and I, we got her back. We always do. Just like she's got ours. We'll bring her home to you in one piece."

Yumiko narrowed her eyes at her, but couldn't deny that she was grateful for the reassurance, even if she was miffed by the presumption.

Whatever anger and distrust she felt for Magna right now, she still cared about her.

Still loved her.

That would probably never change. Even if, in this moment, she wished it would.

Yumiko smiled at Kelly weakly. "Thankyou."

But would _she_ be ready for Magna when she did come home?

Trying to distract from that thought, she glanced over in the direction of their cupboard. "Her weapons are all in there." Well, not all of them. Yumiko would be naive to think that Magna didn't have a whole arsenal on her person twenty-four seven. But the bigger ones, those less inclined to being concealed, were safely nestled away inside the cupboard. "She'll want her war hammer."

Her ex, Nicole, had broken Yumiko's trust repeatedly. Made it so she doubted her own perceptions and feelings. But she hadn't let that broken trust bleed into her other relationships, had strived against that. Because she hadn't wanted Nicole to have any more power over her than she'd already exerted, to hurt her more than she already had.

And at the end of the day, it was so much easier for Yumiko to trust than not to. It came naturally to her, and the real effort would have been in trying to resist it.

It wasn't like that for Magna, likely never would be. Yumiko understood that and how much it took for the other woman to trust as little as she already did.

But after thirteen years, she thought Magna might at least trust _her_.

But she hadn't. She didn't.

And it hurt.

That Magna, who had an even more volatile relationship with trust than her, had nonetheless deemed it necessary to break Yumiko's, was perhaps the hardest thing to come to terms with.

She had to have known how much it would hurt.

How much it would mess with her head.

But she'd done it anyway.

That was hard to overlook. Or forgive.

She knew Magna wasn't like Nicole. That this wasn't cheating or malicious manipulation. But it still hurt. And it still made her doubt their entire relationship.

And she wasn't sure there was anything she or Magna could do to fix that.

* * *

_"Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the one person who you thought would never hurt you."_

_― Gugu Mofokeng_

* * *

feel free to watch this sad Yumagna video I made :)


	2. Once Upon a Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so normally I wouldn't have flashbacks like this (where it's just Yumiko or Magna) take up a whole chapter but this flashback was rather long so it had to have its own chapter. Sorry folks. The next chapter is present day. And chapter 4 is purely yumagna interaction.
> 
> Also I tend to read a lot about trauma/ptsd - both for myself and for researching fics - so sometimes I'll include little passages as quotes at the beginning/end of a chapter that really stand out to me and that I feel relate to Magna or Yumiko. Hope that's okay.
> 
> P.S. I've always kind of imagined Skyler Wexler as young Magna (hence the photo). Sorry not sorry.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: heavy warning for child abuse and domestic violence in this chapter. It's not shown but it is referenced pretty heavily. Also reference to alcoholism and self-harm]

_"Growing up in a safe and loving enough family naturally enhances the child's capacity to notice and enjoy the many gifts that life also brings. He learns that there is enough good in life to significantly outweigh its necessary losses and travails._

_In the traumatizing family however, there is little or nothing that is good enough and hence little for which to be grateful. The child instead is forced to over-develop a critic that hyper-focuses on what is dangerously imperfect in her as well as others. This sometimes helps her to hide aspects of herself that might be punished. It may further assist her to avoid people who might be punishing."_

_\- Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker_

* * *

__

* * *

It was late afternoon when she found her mama crouched on the floor in front of the bureau. It wasn't an unusual occurrence. Her mama was tidy as all hell - her father demanded absolute orderly perfection when it came to their home, even when he could be a downright slob himself - so she was often fiddling around in the bedroom Magna shared with her brother, sorting everything back to rights.

She didn't look to be cleaning now, though.

"What you doin'?"

Her mama flinched, turning around and forcing her cheeks into a smile. It looked like the smiles she gave when her skin was starting to turn all different kinds of colors. Magna feared that smile. "Nothing, Jellybean. just a little cleaning."

She wrinkled her nose at the nickname.

Magna had never had much of a taste for sweet things, which had gained her more than a few teasings and odd looks at school because what kid didn't like candy? But she _did_ like candy. Just not the super sweet kind. Lollipops were okay. Licorice. Bubble gum. Certain chocolates.

But _not_ jellybeans.

Her mama found this out when she was four and gave her some as a treat. Magna promptly spat out a mouthful and burst into tears. She couldn't remember this herself but it must have made an impact because ever since then her mama had called her Jellybean, like some kind of private joke.

A joke that was just theirs.

Clearly, the incident had been entertaining for her rather than traumatic like it had been for Magna.

She still got a churning feeling in her stomach every time she saw one and a vague memory of sickly sweetness would settle on her tongue.

Blah.

She'd leave the jellybeans for Morgan. He loved them. And he was more than welcome to her share.

Magna frowned, thinking over her mama's words and finding a rather significant error in them.

"You hate cleaning." No matter how tidy her mama strived to keep things, Magna had heard enough complaints to know this. If the house was clean enough to pass her daddy's inspection, she wouldn't lift a finger. The house was tidy today and Magna didn't think her daddy would find any faults with it. Besides, he was out of town until tomorrow so it wouldn't matter anyway.

"Well, sometimes you gotta do things that you hate."

Magna stuck her finger in her mouth, considering.

Sometimes, her daddy would hug her. It hurt too much to be a good hug, like the ones she got from her mama - or even Morgan! - but she knew if she tried to pull away, her daddy would get angry.

No-one ever wanted her daddy to get angry.

Least of all Magna.

So she let him hug her. And she bit her lip just hard enough not to scream.

Because she had to.

She didn't know if her mama felt the same way about cleaning as Magna did about hugging her daddy but she could understand why she might have to do it. Even if she hated it.

Still. . . her mama didn't _look_ like she was cleaning.

Magna sucked her finger thoughtfully, hoping that if she waited long enough the answer would come to her, or her mama would provide it.

Seeing that she wasn't about to be budging her ass anytime soon, her mama sighed, beckoning with a hand. "Come over here, baby."

Magna went eagerly, crossing the space on hasty - if slightly clumsy - feet and dumping her bottom in her mama's lap, smiling when she felt arms automatically wrap around her. Though her eyes were immediately drawn to the wad of green paper sticking out of one of her hands.

She never saw her mama with money at home. Well, she did once. But her daddy took it off her, which Magna thought was kind of rude, but her daddy was rude a lot so she didn't make much of it.

Curious, she poked the papers with a finger, glancing up at her mama questioningly.

But no explanation came.

Magna pouted.

"Alrighty then. Do you want to help me make a treasure stash?"

She nodded eagerly, momentarily distracted from her disappointment. "Like a pirate?"

A smile appeared - and a nice one this time, not a scary one. She loved when her mama smiled like that. Loved it even more when it was because of her. Not many people smiled because of Magna, but her mama did. "Just like a pirate. I'm going to put this money away in here where it can be safe and hidden."

"Why?"

Her mama rocked her for a moment, considering the question. Magna knew that the answer was important just from how long she had to wait for it. She raised her chin slightly, determined to listen close. Too often her attention wandered and she missed things. She didn't mean for it to and she always tried really, really hard not to get distracted. But her thoughts ran away from her, faster than Morgan from their mama at bathtime. She didn't want to miss anything her mama had to say though. All her words were important and Magna loved to hear them. Her stupid thoughts weren't gonna take her mama's words from her, not this time. She was bound and determined.

Pursing her lips, she fiddled with her mama's hands - cos sometimes that helped keep the thoughts in place.

"Well, you know how Daddy likes his special juice?"

Magna nodded. She hated his special juice. Or rather, she hated how he got when he drank it. She tried to hide the bottles once but all she achieved was her very first row of stitches. They'd looked kind of cool, admittedly - and some of the kids at school thought _she_ was cool. . . for a little while - but not enough that she'd ever risk getting them again.

"Well, special juice costs money. And Daddy likes a lot of special juice, so much that sometimes he forgets to leave some of the money behind for other things. Like your favorite cereal."

_Or any cereal._

Magna scrunched up her nose.

The last time that had happened, they'd had to survive on a jar of peanut butter and stale crackers for six whole days. And Magna loved peanut butter, really, but not _that_ much. By the fifth day, she'd already racked up six detentions for falling asleep in class. Which was a record for a kid in the first grade - or so she was told. She'd become something of a school legend for a month there and she'd even made some friends for like. . . a week. But then the glamour of fame wore off and it was back to traipsing the yard alone during lunch.

But maybe they'd have money for special juice _and_ cereal, if not for Magna.

If she wasn't here.

If she didn't exist.

Her daddy told her yesterday that she wasn't good for nothing except draining him of cash.

Her mama had hissed then, low under her breath - too low to be heard by her daddy - and clapped her hands over Magna's ears, as if she could block out the words that had already reached their destination. Later that night, she told her not to believe it, that he didn't mean it.

But Magna wasn't so sure.

Why would he say it if he didn't mean it?

If it wasn't true?

And. . . the more she thought about it, the more she had to concede that he might be right.

She didn't do no-one any good. She knew that. She saw it. People only ever seemed unhappy when she was around. Or disappointed. Or angry.

Especially that last one.

Except her mama!

Her mama had special smiles just for Magna - smiles she didn't even give _Morgan_ \- and she always did her best to wear them whenever she was around, even when her face was puffy and sore.

But she couldn't say she'd brought much good to her mama either. When Magna upset her daddy - which was often - he got angry at her. But he got even _more_ angry at her mama.

On Father's Day, she tried to bake him a cake while he and her mama were still asleep - she wanted it to be a _surprise_ \- but she spilled the flour _all_ over the kitchen countertop. It got into everywhere and Magna wasn't allowed to go to school until everything was clean again - no, better than clean, spotless, 'more spotless than fresh snow'.

Her wrist still ached from how hard her daddy had squeezed it when he found her, but not as much as her heart ached at the way her mama's skin turned so many different colors that week.

No, her daddy was right. She really was good for nothing.

"Does that make sense, Jellybean?" her mama asked after she had been quiet too long.

Magna nodded slowly. "Maybe Daddy shouldn't drink so much special juice. Then we wouldn't need a treasure stash."

Her mama fell silent. It was the bad silent. She could tell immediately from the way the arms around her grew tight, almost uncomfortably so, and the rise and fall of the chest at her back slowed.

It was an upset kind of silence.

Magna resisted the urge to pinch the skin on her hand in punishment for making her mama sad. She'd do it later. Right now, she needed to make her happy again.

She turned slightly, hands reaching up to cup her mama's face. She couldn't see her quite right in the low light, but she felt a scary dampness against her skin. Frowning, she kissed the swollen, darkened surface of her cheekbone, careful to be extra gentle. "Mama?"

The shadowed expression cracked and she could make out a smile, huge but frail, leaping to attention. "I know, baby," she murmured, kissing her forehead briefly before turning her back around so she could hold her against her chest once more. "But let's not say that to your daddy, okay?"

Magna nodded stiffly. She hadn't been planning to. She rarely planned to say anything to her daddy. Mostly, she did her best to avoid him. Which wasn't easy in such a small house.

Morgan was better at it. He was so little, most of the time their daddy didn't even see him in the room.

Magna wished she had that kind of power. She'd tried making herself small but her bones defied her every time.

Her brother wasn't as grateful for the ability as she would have been, though. For some bizarre reason, he actually _wanted_ their father's attention.

But then, he'd never felt the pain of it like Magna had.

And if she did the job of big sister well enough, he never would.

Her mama raised the envelope up for her inspection. It wasn't very full. "This is our Just In Case treasure stash. Understand?"

She nodded. "Just In Case."

Her mama always placed a spare set of clothes in her backpack in the event that the kids at school chucked milk or soda at her, which happened more than Magna would like - and more than she wanted her mama to know about.

Her mama called them her Just In Case clothes.

Now, they had some Just In Case money too. It seemed smart.

Her mama was always smart.

Way smarter than Magna who, no matter how hard she tried, couldn't get higher than a measly D in all her classes. In some, she even got an _F._

Her daddy didn't like that.

"And this is gonna be between just you and me. Our little secret. You ain't gonna go tell your daddy, are you?"

Magna shook her head. He never wanted to hear anything from her anyway. "Our secret."

"You can't tell your friends. And not Morgan either. He's too little and this is big girl stuff."

Magna shrugged. She didn't have any friends and she doubted Morgan would even understand what she was saying. He mostly just listened and talked about things like food or his toy trains.

This was too important for him. Too grown up.

Big girl stuff.

Big _sister_ stuff.

He didn't need to worry about it. She would worry about it for him. And make sure he had cereal instead of peanut butter for every meal.

"Magna?"

"Our secret," she repeated, crossing her finger over her heart - or where she thought her heart might be. She could feel it pounding in her chest, always just a little too hard. She thought sometimes that things would be easier if she didn't have it but her mama said she had a _good_ heart so she wasn't about to get rid of it. She'd never get rid of anything her mama liked.

Besides, her mama might stop liking her if she didn't have a heart. Magna was still surprised that she liked her at all, so she wasn't about to give her any reasons to stop.

"I won't tell."

Arms squeezed her close in a hug that was just shy of suffocating, tight enough that she thought her mama would never let her go - that was good. She liked hugs like this.

But only from her mama.

When her daddy did hugs like this it usually meant trouble. And it hurt. Though Magna did her best not to let him know that. He didn't like it when she complained. He said only girls complained about being hurt, cos they were weak.

Magna _was_ a girl - and she didn't really mind that, cos her mama was a girl too, and boys were either stupid or mean or just plain _gross_ \- but she wasn't weak.

And she wasn't about to let her daddy think she was.

Besides, maybe one day, if she was strong enough, he'd start to like her.

Maybe even love her.

She thought it would be nice to be loved by someone other than her mama.

But she would rather be loved by her mama than by anyone else. She'd rather be loved by her mama than by everyone in the whole _world._

Some hair scratched her cheek and she smiled at the tickling sensation.

Her mama's hair was much darker than hers, and curlier. Her auntie said it was ugly but Magna didn't think that was true. Nothing about her mama could ever be ugly.

Besides, her auntie said a lot of things were ugly.

Last weekend, she said _goats_ were ugly. Why would anyone think a goat was ugly? They had really cool horns _and_ they could jump onto anything - even trees! That wasn't a fib, she'd seen it. They were like animal superheroes. And superheroes weren't ugly. Or at least, none of the ones she'd seen. And she'd seen a _lot._

Her uncle had a bigger than huge comic book collection in his office and whenever she was over, he let her look at them. All of them! Even the ones he said were extra special.

Magna loved them.

They weren't hard to read like the books at school, the ones she always stuttered her way through. She _hated_ when they had to do circle time, taking turns to read a page out of one of those books. Magna always froze when they got to her, skin growing hot and sticky as she hid behind her hair - which was always too big but not big enough. She could never do it right. Not with everyone staring at her. Not when her mind kept flying all over the place, refusing to stick to a single sentence. She was always losing her place or forgetting the meaning of a word - and even when she _knew_ what a word was, sometimes she couldn't get her tongue to say it in the way other people did, the _correct_ way - and then the other kids would laugh at her and the teacher would look disappointed.

She hated disappointing people.

Even more than she hated being laughed at.

Magna wished they could read comic books at school instead. She didn't think she'd mess up nearly so much then.

The pictures were so loud they made her thoughts pay attention. Sometimes they even stayed still.

Comic books were awesome.

But she wasn't allowed to tell her daddy that because superheroes weren't for girls and she was supposed to like _princesses._ Which was really hard to achieve because all princesses ever seemed to do was fall in love with boys and Magna _hated_ boys. They also got into trouble. A lot. And then someone would have to save them. Usually a dirty boy. Princesses _always_ needed someone to save them. Like Snow White. Why would she be stupid enough to trust that creepy old lady with the apple? Magna wouldn't be that stupid. Not ever. She didn't trust anyone.

Except her mama, of course.

(also, if some yucky boy kissed her in her sleep she'd smack him in the face)

No, she'd rather be a superhero with super strength and skin like steel. Then she wouldn't have to get stitches ever again. Not even if she hid every special juice in the world. And her mama would smile for real all the time because Magna would use her super strength and super skin to protect her, because that was what superheroes _did_.

They protected people.

And they saved them.

All princesses did was get hurt.

(but maybe that was why her daddy wanted her to like them)

Plus, if she was a superhero, then she could punish her daddy for being mean - just like he punished her - and then he would stop.

She wanted him to stop.

And she wanted him to say he was sorry.

Not to her but to her mama. Cos _maybe_ Magna deserved to be punished, but she knew her mama didn't.

Her mama was good all the time and she didn't understand why her daddy couldn't see that.

Maybe she should steal him some glasses.

She felt a kiss against her head. Her mama. She was always so soft about it, called them 'angel kisses'. Magna had never been kissed by an angel before, but she was sure they couldn't kiss softer than her mama.

"Mm," she hummed against her hair, "you're such a good Jellybean."

Magna grinned. Not many people ever said she was good. At anything. But her mama always did.

The body around her shifted and she watched as hands began to close the envelope.

"Wait!"

Her mama stiffened but Magna was already fumbling in the pocket of her pants, searching. At last, her fingers caught the hard smooth edge of a dollar coin - the one the Tooth Fairy had given her a couple of nights ago and which she'd been saving ever since.

Magna was glad she did.

She held the coin out to her mama gravely. "Just in case."

This was more important than the lollipop she'd been planning to spend it on.

Her mama smiled and it was a good smile but it was also a sad smile. Which was confusing. Smiles shouldn't be confusing. But then her mama's smiles usually were.

"No, baby, you hold onto that."

Magna shook her head, brow puckering. "No."

She liked the word 'no'. The teachers at school said she used it more than any other kid they'd ever had.

It was a good word.

If only people listened to it.

Which usually they didn't.

Her daddy especially. He didn't know what it meant. Or, maybe he did but he pretended not to. Either way, he didn't listen to it.

So Magna didn't say it anymore. Not to him.

But she could say it to her mama.

Her mama always listened.

Expression shifting in and out of an array of emotions Magna couldn't pick up, her mama eventually sighed, accepting the coin. "Thankyou, baby. That's really sweet of you."

Magna smiled. Now she was good _and_ sweet.

She'd hold onto that for later, when her daddy got home and told her she was some other things that weren't nearly as nice. He wasn't very creative, though, so he repeated a lot. That was good. That meant she could prepare. It was worse when he came up with new things to say, new areas of her to find fault in. She hated that.

But her mama was smarter than her daddy, so she'd know better.

If she thought Magna was good and sweet, then maybe she was.

And even if she wasn't, at least her mama thought so. Her mama's opinion counted more than anyone else's. That was a rule.

Settling back into her lap, Magna watched with pride as the coin went into the envelope before it was closed, though not sealed. Curious, she leaned forward as her mama taped the envelope to the back of the drawer and lifted it carefully back up, slotting it into place.

It was a really good hiding spot.

If Magna was small enough, she would have chosen it for hide and seek.

Her daddy _definitely_ wasn't going to find their treasure.

He couldn't even find _her_ during hide and seek and she didn't have anywhere near as cool as this to hide - _and_ she was big. Though, that might be because he stopped looking after the first minute, if he even bothered to play in the first place. He hadn't done so for over a year.

Which was okay.

Magna didn't really like her daddy finding her these days anyway. That usually meant trouble. Scary trouble. And she didn't think a game should be scary.

"Want to play hide and seek?" she piped up, though faltered slightly upon remembering one important caveat. "But Morgan's not allowed to play cos he can't count right. And he cheats."

A snort and another kiss to her head. "Sure, Jellybean. You go and hide. I'll count."

It was a good day.

* * *

_"Unfortunately, years of this habituates the child into only seeing herself, life and others in a negative light. Consequently, when she grows up and becomes free of her truly harmful family, she cannot see that life offers her many new possibilities. Her ability to see the good in herself and certain safe enough others remains developmentally arrested."_

_\- Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is set back in the early 90s, before movies like Mulan came out and the princesses did tend to play more of a damsel role and a woman's happy ending was a man.
> 
> There's implied ADHD in this chapter that I've based off my own experiences with ADHD as well as that of others I've heard. But yeah, Magna having ADHD is my headcannon that sprung up from the scene where she was listening to music whilst reading a book. And I'm also just kind of desperate to see a female character with ADHD (and also not have them reduced to the stereotype of just being extremely hyperactive - which is only a symptom for some people with ADHD and even then it's not the full extent of the disorder).
> 
> So, not all of the chapters in this fic will have yumiko and magna interacting. I didn't plan it that way but that seems to be how it's turned out (because of flashbacks and because they're interacting with some of the other characters). However, my next fic should be about 80-90% them interacting with each other.


	3. Bygones Don't Go Bye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miko: thank god things are starting to settle down  
> Magna: hold my beer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the next three chapters have yumagna interaction, I promise. Then I think there's one chapter without it and the rest are yumagna interaction as well.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: reference to racism and ableism]

_"All you're good for is talking shit."_

_\- Daryl, The Walking Dead, 10.5_

* * *

_"Watching Hilltop burn and seeing what was left of its residents scatter to the wind, made her wish that she and Kelly had kept another stash, or at least found a way to avoid revealing the one they'd had to Daryl._

_What the hell were they going to do now?_

_Another home. Gone._

_And she couldn't even bring herself to feel surprised about it. She'd known this was coming from the start - even as she'd hoped against it."_

_\- Magna, 'if you love me, don't let go'_

* * *

Lunch that day was an unappetizing affair, the building echoing with muttered complaints.

The Whisperers had destroyed the community's crops and slaughtered most of their livestock, meaning that they would have to start from scratch. That might not have been such a problem, if Alexandria wasn't now required to support the survivors of Hilltop as well. To make matters worse, winter was drawing near, meaning that food would become even scarcer. It was too late to plant most crops, they would have to have to wait until spring came around again - something that left everyone in a state of unease.

They'd been at Alexandria a week, surviving off of what they could catch or gather in the woods. Which was fine when you were on your own, or just a small group of people. But when you had _this_ many mouths to feed. . .

Well, no-one was happy. No-one was feeling very full either.

But they'd all been through worse, survived worse. They may have gotten a little too used to their cushy lives in Alexandria and Hilltop but they could adapt. Again.

They had no choice.

Daryl, one person ahead of Magna in the queue, was grumbling about how watered down the stew had become since he'd added his two rabbits to it an hour before. It had evolved into a grizzly-looking mush since then and when Magna peered into it, she couldn't make out any chunks of meat. Likely they'd been spread so thin as to be almost untraceable.

She wrinkled her nose. It was like being in prison all over again. Though at least now there was less risk of someone getting pissy at her and using the smelly shit for ammunition - she'd long since outgrown the days when she was willing to pick cold slop out of her hair.

Magna grimaced at the memory, touching her head momentarily to ensure that it _was_ just a memory.

Daryl grunted. "This ain't gonna do. It's alright for a while, but we're not gonna make it long on just this. Ain't fair to the kids."

He wasn't wrong about that. Most of these kids had grown up in relative posterity. The younger ones had no idea what it was to go hungry.

And they shouldn't.

"Huh." A thread of bitter ire rose inside her as she ladled some of the 'stew' onto her plate. She was tempted to tip it back into the pot but she'd had worse and she needed what little calories it could provide. "If only someone had thought ahead and planned for something like this by keeping a stash of supplies somewhere safe."

That would have made the past couple of weeks a hell of a lot easier. Granted, the supplies wouldn't have lasted long, spread between this many people, but long enough for them to start restocking again.

It would have made the transition easier if nothing else.

Daryl scowled at her. "Yeah, like you were planning on sharing any of that with the rest of us. Don't act like you had our best interests at heart. The only person you give a shit about is yourself, and _maybe_ your little group."

Magna glared at him but said nothing.

The stash was still a sore spot between her and Daryl.

Between her and Miko, too, if she was being honest - though they'd tiptoed around the issue, neither one of them wanting to risk the fragile peace they'd achieved since the cave.

She knew it was something Miko wanted her to apologize for, expected her to even.

But Magna wouldn't apologize for something that she still thought had been the right thing to do. Or, maybe not the right thing, but the smart thing.

Why the hell should she apologize for just trying to keep them alive?

Having options was important. She'd been trapped far too many times in her life not to understand the necessity of them. She _needed_ options. But it was a need that, for the most part, she seemed alone in.

"Screw you," Magna hissed, upturning the contents of her plate over the pot. It rushed back in to join the rest of its brethren with a sickening slosh. She kept her eyes on Daryl, though, wishing they had the power to stab like a knife, before dropping the plate on the table and stalking off.

Kelly sent her an exasperated look as she stormed past but knew better than to try and stop her.

* * *

When it came to personal information, Magna's lips were as tight as a clam. Kelly didn't know all that much about who she'd been before the apocalypse, except that she was in prison - the reason for which she'd never disclosed and Kelly had never felt the need to ask.

She didn't give a fuck who Magna had been before. None of that shit mattered anymore.

All that mattered was that in the time they'd known each other, she'd become one of the people Kelly _knew_ she could count on. Another ride or die. Family.

Magna would go to hell and back for them.

And that, that was what mattered.

Besides, it wasn't like Magna was the only one who preferred to keep things close to the chest.

It had surprised Kelly to realize that, in many ways, Yumiko was as silent about her past as Magna.

The former lawyer could be odd sometimes. Open one minute, closed the next. Kelly wasn't sure she'd ever heard her talk about her childhood except in the vaguest of terms.

Connie hadn't shared in her surprise, though: 'Some people don't like to talk about the things they'll never get back.'

Maybe. Kelly wasn't so sure that was it, though. At least, not entirely.

But it wasn't any of her business. Just like whatever whammy of a secret Magna had been keeping from Miko all these years - the mystery secret that imploded their relationship - wasn't any of her business. If they wanted to tell her, they'd tell her. If they didn't, then Kelly couldn't bring herself to mind overly much.

So long as it didn't ignite another fight like the one they'd just been through.

That had been scary.

There weren't many things you could come to rely on in an apocalypse, but Miko and Magna's devotion to one another was one of them. At least, Kelly had relied on it. It was nice to have something constant, something stable to look at in this chaotic excuse for a world - which seemed to be getting more and more out of control by the day.

Not to mention, it was hell when half of your family was at odds. Kelly had never liked conflict, had always been the mellow, level-headed one in whatever friendship group she gravitated towards in school, refusing to allow herself to get pulled into any of the fights or the drama. When that shit happened, Kelly either made herself scarce or became a mediator.

It was a trait she shared with her sister.

But, at any rate, that wasn't something she needed to worry about anymore.

Magna and Miko were back to being joined at the hip and Kelly no longer had to share a room with the snore monster from hell. It was hard to say which part brought her more relief.

Things between herself and Magna also, thankfully, seemed to have settled back down to normal.

In the immediacy of her return, Kelly had gotten the sense that Magna was avoiding her - or trying to. Familiar with the other woman's ways and armed with the knowledge that pushing rarely led to anything good, Kelly had allowed her to keep her distance.

Thankfully, she hadn't had to wait long for Magna to sort through whatever shit was going on inside her head. The older woman had come to her in the aftermath of their 'victory' against Beta, checking her over for injuries with a diligence that was comfortingly familiar before proceeding to patch her up.

Miko had watched from the sidelines, tension gradually bleeding out of her. She'd been strung tight from the very beginning of the whole affair and had stuck to Magna like glue in the horde. Kelly knew that she hadn't been pleased about _that_ particular part of the plan - not after everything they'd just been through - but she hadn't voiced any objections. Fear wasn't allowed to have dominion over their lives, not when these were the lives they were living. Even if that fear was for someone else.

Since then, Magna had stuck pretty close to Kelly, as if afraid she was about to disappear with her sister. When she wasn't around, she could feel the older woman's eyes on her, tracking her. It was a little irritating but she got it.

It would be a lie to say Kelly hadn't been watching her right back.

Neither of them wanted to lose anyone else.

Kelly sighed, watching Magna's retreating back a moment before helping herself to the stew. She'd kind of hoped, after the cave and recent confrontation with the Whisperers, that she and Daryl would have found a way to play nice and let bygones be bygones.

Apparently not.

"It was meant for whoever survived Hilltop, if shit did go down," she said, eyes on the mess currently filling up her plate, careful to keep her tone casual. She wasn't trying to start a fight, but rather end one. "In the past, that's always been just us. Weren't really expecting it to be any different this time. Doesn't mean we would have turned away anyone in need."

When she glanced up, Daryl didn't look convinced. "I believe that's what you had in mind. Her, not so much."

She frowned. "Magna can be an asshole. But she cares. Probably more than anyone else I've ever met. She's just careful about who she cares about." Kelly shrugged. "She sure as hell wasn't stealing that food for herself."

Magna had a list of priorities. Miko was at the top (would probably always be at the top); then came the rest of their group (Kelly suspected she might come second to Miko if only because of her younger age in comparison to the others); then the people of Hilltop - mostly the kids (Magna had a soft spot for kids); and then Magna herself. Always at the bottom. Always last.

She could be very selfish about the people on that list. Would go to extreme lengths to protect them.

But that didn't make her a selfish person.

At least, not to Kelly's mind.

Daryl frowned, opened his mouth to protest but was interrupted by Miko coming over, sporting a perplexed crease to her brow.

"Why does Magna look like someone just took all her knives again? Do I need to hide the cutlery?" The last part was an attempt at a joke, recalling the time Magna had picked Jones Spring clean of all its kitchen knives after they'd enforced the 'no weapons' rule. She'd even nabbed a couple of forks - one of which she'd used to stab the deputy leader in the hand once shit hit the fan.

Kelly had been impressed.

She doubted that was a potential outcome this time, though. Magna had learnt some restraint since then. "I wouldn't worry. If anyone's getting stabbed it's Daryl and I'm pretty sure he can handle himself."

Miko raised an eyebrow at the man in question. "Anything I need to know about?"

To his credit, Daryl looked mildly embarrassed. "Just a bit of a disagreement."

Technically true, though she doubted Miko would see it that way if she knew exactly what had been said.

Kelly picked up the plate Magna had left behind and filled it with a sizable portion of stew. She handed it to Miko, who still looked more confused than anything. "Might want to get her to eat something. She skipped breakfast as well."

Miko had slept in - a luxury Kelly thought she'd more than earned - and wouldn't have noticed.

"Thanks." She looked mildly irritated at this new information, though Kelly didn't miss the flash of concern, and then she was heading off in the direction of her girlfriend.

Well, that was one thing handled.

She turned back to Daryl.

It was like corralling children some days.

"I'd steer clear of Miko for a while," she warned, because she liked him. Appreciated the effort he'd made in joining the search for her that day - and how he'd lied to keep their secret, to protect them. But, more than that, she wanted to make sure that when Connie did return, it was to find her not-boyfriend in one piece. "If Magna tells her what you said, you're probably gonna get punched." Her mouth twitched. That woman carried a formidable right hook. She'd seen it in action often enough and didn't envy anyone who found themselves on the receiving end. "She's the one you've gotta watch out for. Her anger's always been more explosive than Magna's. You do _not_ want to get on her bad side."

Most people didn't expect that. Not from Yumiko.

Their mistake.

In Kelly's experience, Magna was more bark than bite most of the time. Her anger rarely drove her to physical violence and Kelly suspected that was intentional, a show of restraint on her part that had been hard-won. The few times she'd seen Magna get physical - or about to get physical - were out of necessity, or what she perceived to be necessity. Almost always out of protective instinct. But Yumiko had hella sharp teeth that she wasn't afraid to use.

She could be downright terrifying when she was pissed.

Magna may be the hothead of the group but Miko was the one most likely to throw a punch, the quickest to violence. She wasn't sure if the former lawyer was entirely self-aware of that characteristic. She didn't know if things had always been like that between them, or if Magna had mellowed over the years whilst Miko's patience had only frayed.

She knew that, recently, Yumiko had been struggling, that the pressure was starting to build up. She wasn't sure anyone else had noticed - though she'd seen the concern pass over Connie's face on occasion. If Magna had picked up on it, she gave no similar sign. But then, she wouldn't. She was good at keeping things to herself.

It was possible that she was too close to Miko to notice the change, though, or too wrapped up in her own head. And Miko was good at hiding the damage - from Magna most of all.

But it was like slamming a lid on a boiling pot. Sooner or later, the bubbles and steam were gonna rise up and blow it off to space.

It worried her. But she didn't know quite how to bring it up. In large part because she wasn't entirely sure _what_ was eating at Miko. Whether it was the recent losses, the war with Alpha, constantly being displaced, losing Connie, or the stresses of her relationship with Magna. Possibly it was just a buildup. A consequence of trying to keep a level head in the middle of hell for so long. Holding it together when everything was falling apart.

Whatever the case, Kelly was worried.

But that was a problem for another day. Right now, her only concern was trying to ensure that Miko and Daryl didn't come to blows - she'd heard about what happened with Carol. Though, she was reasonably confident the other woman wouldn't lose her cool so drastically in this case, not when Daryl hadn't actually endangered her girlfriend's life. She still wasn't likely to be pleased, though.

She doubted that Magna would reveal anything about what had just gone down to Miko, she wasn't the type to share hurt feelings. But that would probably send the lawyer in Kelly's direction for answers later and she wasn't about to lie. One way or the other, Yumiko would discover what had happened.

"You know, you should cut her some slack. I know you don't like what we did but she's the only one you seem pissed at it for."

Kelly wondered how many times she was going to have to point this little fact out. It felt like she'd gotten off easy for the whole stash fiasco and she wasn't sure whether it was because of her younger age, her relation to Connie, or simply because she'd come so close to dying and nobody wanted to be mad at her in the aftermath.

The fact that Magna tended to be an easy target when it came to blame and anger probably didn't help. Especially when her response to such a reaction was to antagonize, rather than apologize - even if she didn't consider whatever she'd done worthy of an apology, sometimes giving one was the smartest thing to do.

Kelly didn't think Magna had ever met a situation she couldn't make worse for herself.

She could more than understand Daryl's hostility. In many ways it was justified. But his focus on Magna, when it had been a two-person job, was frustrating - and far from fair.

Daryl considered her words, scratching the back of his head a moment. "Girl just rubs me the wrong way."

Kelly snorted. "Yeah, she does that. It's one of her charms."

He looked decidedly unbelieving of this. Kelly wasn't lying, though. Magna had a way of keeping things interesting in an apocalypse and it was one of the reasons the two of them had clicked so quickly.

She was used to having a big sister and although Magna and Connie were at opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of personality, Kelly had instantly recognized that same protective instinct in the other woman.

Once she'd had that understanding, getting along with Magna was a piece of cake. Not to mention, neither one of them had come of age under the best of circumstances. Kelly had lost her final years of adolescence to the apocalypse, Magna had lost hers to prison. That created a sort of understanding between them that never really had to be spoken aloud. Sometimes, she got the feeling that not all of Magna had grown up. In some ways, she was older than her years, but in others. . .

There was an immaturity there that Kelly recognized from her high school days, or even further back to elementary. It came out the most in social situations. She had a suspicion that Magna had never really learned how to navigate those properly. 'Developmental arrest', Connie had called it, the one time Kelly had raised the thought with her, not seeming surprised by her observation. Likely because it was something she'd already noticed and assessed herself.

She was a journalist.

She noticed things.

Back when Kelly was a teenager trying to get away with shit, that had been a pain in the ass. She didn't mind it so much now.

'Sometimes when the world makes you grow up too fast, you skip bits and pieces - and you never get back to them,' Connie had explained.'Some areas you grow up in too much, others you don't grow up in at all.'

Trauma wasn't kind to developing brains.

And whilst Magna had never spoken of any trauma in her past, neither of them had any doubt as to its existence. She hardly needed to say the words when she scattered the evidence around like pollen from an angry bee. Hell, prison in itself was traumatic. And Kelly suspected that being thrust into that world when you were still just a teenager had to be even more so. She'd seen what that place did to her cousin, who'd gotten years just for jaywalking (apparently, neither the cop nor the judge had been able to see past the color of his skin). And she'd read the angry - but still carefully professional - article her sister had written once on the long term physical and psychological effects of incarceration, especially on youth and the mentally ill - and that was without getting into the consequences it had on families and the wider community (particularly when it came to those that were already marginalized in society).

It still made her shudder to remember the time she'd walked out of school to find her sister being accosted by some asshole cop who thought she was being defiant for not responding to any of the bullshit coming out of his mouth. Dude was too much of an ass to pay attention to the fact that she _was_ responding - just not in the way he wanted her to.

It had taken one of Kelly's (very white) teacher's intervening and explaining the fact that Connie was deaf for the fucker to finally back off - he'd ignored all of Kelly's own attempts to do so.

(she didn't want to think about what might have happened if things had escalated further. A prison sentence was far from the worst way such an altercation could end)

So yeah, Kelly was all too aware of how easily you could wind up behind bars for the most innocent of shit - sometimes for no shit at all.

Connie had told her once that she'd never met a prisoner who actually deserved to be in prison - not their country's fucked up idea of one, anyway. But she'd met plenty of free people who did - and had exposed more than a few of them in her career, only a fraction of which went on to face any kind of justice.

Kelly didn't care whether Magna had deserved her sentence or not. All that belonged to the past. She judged people off of who they were, not who they'd been. And Magna was one of the best. There was nothing about the woman she knew that hinted that she couldn't be trusted, that Kelly's love was woefully misplaced.

But it wasn't just love. She _liked_ Magna, even if others didn't.

(you couldn't like what you didn't know and Magna hated to be known, had only ever extended the privilege to those inside their group. And even so, she'd kept them in suspense for a hell of a long time before allowing such unfettered access to her heart)

Kelly didn't care about that, though. Most days, she and Magna got on like a house on fire. It was easy. And fun. Sometimes, she wished that Magna would show that side of herself more to other people but she understood the unlikelihood of that. The other woman revealed that side to her because she _trusted_ Kelly and Magna's trust was hard to come by - and required the jumping through of more than a few hoops.

Hoops Daryl was unlikely to give the time of day.

It helped that she and Kelly had the same attitude towards a lot of things, that they were both willing to go that extra mile to protect their family. There'd been no question or debate about creating a stash. She and Magna had come to the plan in unison and carried it out with little fanfare.

It hadn't been right. What they did. Kelly was never under any illusions about that. But past experience said it had been smart. Hell, current experience too at this point. She got why Magna needed a backup plan.

Kelly needed one too.

And that might not make them the good guys but it sure as hell made them survivors. As it stood, they were all still trying to work out how to be both, how to make it in this world without sacrificing one or the other. Because Kelly _did_ want to be both.

But if push came to shove, she'd pick her sister. She would always pick her sister.

And Magna would always pick Miko.

Whether the other woman wanted her to or not.

"But she's good people," Kelly concluded. "Got a feeling you're good people, too. So you might want to mend that bridge. Be a nice homecoming gift for Connie."

That wasn't an exaggeration. She knew her sister would appreciate the hell out of not having to put up with these two knuckleheads going at it and straining to keep the peace between them. Kelly would endeavor to give her that.

She might not have been able to get her sister out of that cave, but she could give her this.

It was the only thing she could give her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the whole developmental arrest thing is something I struggle with myself (because of trauma and I suspect also because I'm autistic) and it's really weird being more mature than some of my peers in certain things and being like a decade behind them in others - often when it comes to socializing or handling emotions. And it's not really something that I've ever seen discussed in a story - though it could just be that I haven't stumbled across it yet. I mean, there are age play fics but that's not really what I'm getting at (especially because they often have a sexual component and that is not what this is about). But it felt right to put in this fic because from what we've seen of Magna on the show, I think it could fit - and it definitely fits with the backstory I've given her.
> 
> Arrested development isn't really used much as a term anymore but it's related to complex ptsd and developmental trauma. Freud called it fixation but I dislike the sexual connotations he applied to it (and many of his other theories).
> 
> Also, Connie's opinion about no-one who's in prison actually deserving to be there isn't a denial of the fact that there are people in prison who have committed terrible crimes and deserve to face justice for it. But the state of the prison system in America (and other countries) is corrupt as hell, with conditions far exceeding what can be considered just punishment. Then there's the fact that there are a lot of people in prison who shouldn't be there. Either because the charges are false, too extreme for what the actual crime was, or because of drug offenses (you should not be going to prison for taking drugs, addiction is a sickness that requires treatment, not punishment - and that's without getting into the racist component of the war on drugs). The world also needs to consider the fact that between 70 and 90% of women in prison have a history of physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse and that so often their crime is related to that history - and sending them to prison only retraumatizes them and doesn't actually help them heal. To be honest, prison doesn't stop or prevent crime so much as it creates more of it. If you weren't a criminal when you went in or you still have the chance to turn your life around, then it's really hard not to become a criminal after you leave. The way the system is set up is that it creates a revolving door when it comes to prisoners. Because of the trauma people are subjected to in prison, coupled with the barriers they face upon leaving that prevent them from getting housing or employment, this so often leads them to commit more crimes or break the terms of their parole, and thus end up getting sent back to prison.
> 
> Coupled with the fact that a different set of rules exists for minorities and non-minorities, the rich and the non-rich when it comes to who actually goes to prison. . . Yeah, the system is unjust.
> 
> And all the research I've been doing for these fics has only opened my eyes up to that even more.


	4. Echoes of the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just gonna let you guys know that I've been going back through the older fics in this series and giving them a proofread (something I like to do once I've left a fic for a while). Mostly just tightening up the writing and making it flow a bit better. I'm up to 'would you still choose to stay?' now.
> 
> I did end up making one significant little tweak to 'if you love me, don't let go'. Nothing too big, but there was something that contradicted a scene I've written for the fic after this one and I didn't want to scrap the scene.
> 
> If you want to know what the change is, I can send you the paragraph.
> 
> [again trigger warnings for child abuse, though it's not as prominent as last chapter]

_"Only the paranoid survive."_

_— Harold Finch, Person of Interest_

* * *

**Past**

"Here," Magna said, slapping a granola bar each into the children's hands.

Maisie let out a noise of delight and instantly started tearing off the wrapper. The bar would be gone in record time, Magna knew that much and smiled a little at the obvious joy on the girl's face.

Morgan was slower with his, eyes narrowing on his sister with suspicion as he hesitated in the process of unwrapping.

The family income was less than steady and Magna had figured out pretty quickly after moving in that her aunt and uncle weren't all that good at planning ahead - especially when it came to rationing food.

So, she'd taken that job on herself. Swiping what little bits she could from the pantry and hoping they wouldn't notice. A lot of the time, she saved stuff from her lunch meal. Magna knew that, whilst she might be left feeling a little hungry in the moment, she'd be grateful for the fact later when their cupboards were empty or she'd been locked away in her room without meals as punishment again.

Normally that was enough to get by but it had been a rough week and, to her dismay, the stash had dwindled rapidly down to little more than nothing.

She knew there were only two more granola bars left, and she wanted Maisie and Morgan to have something for breakfast in the morning.

Maisie glanced up at her, mouth already full. "Wha'bou'u?"

She shook her head. "I had mine earlier."

Morgan sent her a knowing look but knew better than to offer any of his. That would only provoke a fight. And whilst he may love to get on her nerves from dawn till dusk, he found little pleasure in arguing over the things that really mattered.

"We should buy a McDonalds," he commented, finally beginning the process of unwrapping his bar.

Magna wrinkled her nose. Gross. She hated McDonald's. At such a cheap price, it was something she'd had for a meal more times than she could care to remember. She'd grown sick of it at about nine. Along with most other cheap and easy junk foods.

None of it was particularly filling.

"Why?"

"Cos they always have lots of food," he said, like it was obvious. "And they never run out. There's one ten minutes away so whenever we get hungry we could just walk over and eat something. We wouldn't have to pay or anything."

Nice fantasy but they barely had enough money most days to buy a Happy Meal, let alone an entire corporation.

Maisie groaned, flopping onto the ground, spread-eagled. "I want McDonald's." Her granola bar had been obliterated in rapid fashion, but she still clutched the wrapper in her hand for dear life. "A Happy Meal. _All_ the Happy Meals. And a sundae. Ten sundaes. Three- no, four thickshakes."

Magna rolled her eyes and sent her brother a dirty look. _Now look what you_ _'ve done._ His eyes widened somewhat helplessly and she sighed, dismissing him.

She couldn't blame Morgan for the thought.

Even as much as she hated McDonald's, she wouldn't pass up an endless supply of it either.

"Maybe next week, Monkey," Magna said, rubbing the child's back consolingly. She had babysitting on the weekend so she'd definitely have enough money by Monday for some Happy Meals. But hopefully by Monday, her uncle's job would have remembered to pay him.

Maisie rolled onto her back with a huff, her misshapen fairy wings squishing beneath her. "What if I walked over and asked them nicely? With a please? Maybe they'd give a French fry. More than one, hopefully." She took her attention off the ceiling to look up into Magna's face, eyes wide. "Do you think that would work?"

"I don't know. . ."

Nope. Not a chance.

She knew the teens that worked the cashier and they were anything but charitable. Plus, if any of them showed up begging for food, people would talk. The whole _town_ would talk.

And her guardians would not be pleased.

Maisie's expression fell and Magna swallowed.

She knew her aunt kept a wad of cash in the pocket of a secondhand fur coat in her wardrobe. She was passed out on the couch at the moment after a full day of drinking - somehow, there was always enough money for booze (actually, that might explain the reason for the secret wad of cash now that she thought about it) - so Magna could easily sweep in and swipe some.

There was no way that would go unnoticed, though. Her aunt was very fastidious with her money - as she'd found out through some unfortunate past incidents - and would notice even a single dollar bill missing. And there'd be no questions about who had taken it.

Magna.

It was always Magna.

Even when it wasn't.

But tomorrow was Friday, which still left a long time till Monday. Too long. They could go over to their grandparents on Saturday when she wasn't babysitting and be fed by them but that still left Friday night and Sunday - she was gonna be spending the whole day and night over at Mrs. Jacobs.

Magna could last that long without food, she knew she could.

But she also knew Morgan and Maisie most definitely couldn't. "I'll be back in a minute."

Morgan narrowed his eyes but it didn't take him long to catch on. It wasn't the first time this had happened. "Mags, no."

She silenced him with a glare that brooked no argument. She was the oldest so she got to make the decisions. This was one of her decisions.

Maisie sat up in a flash. "Where are you goin'?"

"Just gotta finish a chore. But I'll be back soon and then we can go get McDonald's."

Magna stretched her lips into a smile, feeling the stress in her cheekbones as she tried to force as much enthusiasm into her tone as possible.

Maisie's face lit up - and just seeing that, even for a moment, made it all worth it. Magna could take everything that was to come for that smile.

"Really?"

Magna grinned. "Yep. Be back soon. Annoy the hell out of Morgan in the meantime."

"Hey!"

"You're not supposed to say 'hell'," Maisie sang but she was grinning nevertheless, an evil glint in her eyes as she turned on the defenseless boy.

Magna smiled absently, backing out of the room.

She'd be fine. They'd both be fine.

That was all that mattered in the end.

Years of feeling the harsh smack of fists and the lashing of words had taught her that much, if nothing else.

* * *

_"The necessity for exerting control of homeostatic processes is so inherent in living systems as to make it almost as invisible as the air we breathe. Yet, we can not live without either. To be out of control is ultimately to confront the possibility of dying. Examples can readily be found where one would die if they are unable to control their environment, unable to control their relationship with others, or unable to control themself. Because of this, personal issues of control are invariably associated with very strong emotions."_

_-_ _Bruce E. Morton_

* * *

**Present**

Somatic memories were always the hardest to escape.

For the past few weeks, the couple had been going to bed with their bellies devoid of substance and the feeling of persistent emptiness was starting to wear away at them. Before the apocalypse, hunger pains had always been a trigger for Yumiko and she'd done her best to avoid them whenever possible - carrying a snack of some kind on her at all times and organizing her meals around a schedule only she could understand. But after the world ended, such avoidance was impossible. At the farm, they'd had a near steady supply of food available but once they'd been forced to move on, such luxury had become a thing of the past. Most days, they were lucky to eat at all, let alone go to bed without a bitter gurgling in their guts. Eventually, their situation improved as they became more adept at surviving in the wilderness but there were still days they were left unsatisfied. Yumiko had assumed there would always be such days, no matter what the future held. There was no getting back what had been lost, no returning to the comfort of the past.

As much as she'd held out hope for a better life, for an end to the nomadic lifestyle brought about by necessity, she'd known that the chances of that coming to pass were so low as to be almost nonexistent.

Hunger was a way of life now, and all they could do was accept it.

That had changed when they'd joined Hilltop - and Yumiko had welcomed that change with open arms. Though now she wished she hadn't allowed herself to become quite so used to it.

Since the Whisperer attack, food had been scarce and hunger rife.

It wasn't the worst that they'd ever dealt with - they still managed to procure at least two or three meals a day, even if there was nothing substantial to those meals - but even so, it was a struggle to get used to again.

Compounded with the stress and grief of recent events, it made for an excessively unpleasant situation.

Yumiko had been filtering intrusive thoughts for days and she'd noticed Magna's temper growing more and more taut, primed to let loose and strike at the slightest provocation.

It would be a lie to say that she hadn't almost been preparing herself for an explosion of some kind. But it still disappointed her when that preparation proved necessary.

Unsurprising the fallout may be, but welcome it was not.

Over the years, she'd come to suspect that, like her, the feeling of hunger was a trigger for Magna. That it threw her back into the thoughts and feelings that had defined so much of her former life. And with those thoughts and feelings came a rage and paranoia so polarizing that others couldn't help but be pushed away. But it was how that anger so often turned inward, directed at Magna herself, that Yumiko found hardest to endure.

The inevitable self-punishment that would follow.

Such feelings didn't always make their way to the surface and Yumiko was certain that more often than not, she missed the cycle of their existence.

But today she did not.

Because today, Magna wasn't eating.

Today, the surface had ripples.

Hopefully, she'd be able to calm them before they expanded into waves.

Yumiko found her girlfriend in short time. Magna had distanced herself from the rest of the community, sitting on a moth-bitten couch that was just uncomfortable enough to be given a wide birth from most. Not exactly where Yumiko would prefer to plonk her ass down after a day of patrol but at least it looked softer than the gurney she and Magna had spent a painful amount of time on back at the Tower. Still, next time she was going to insist on making the seating arrangements.

The younger woman was fiddling with a butterfly knife in her hand, running it through an array of tricks that Yumiko had seen her perform many times before, with great ease.

The force with which she cycled through them now, however, betrayed whatever storm was currently raging inside her. Yumiko had to keep herself from leaping forward every time she saw the edge of the blade skirt a little too close to her skin.

At least she hadn't stolen any of the cutlery.

"That doesn't look like one of yours," Yumiko noted, slowing to a stop in front of Magna as her lips pressed into a smile more suited to the early days in their relationship, when she'd been trying to earn the other woman's trust, put her at ease.

It felt odd to have it on her face again.

But things had been odd between them for months, so she should be familiar with that by now.

Magna didn't spare her a glance. "That's because it's not."

Yumiko closed her eyes. "Please tell me you didn't just steal one of Daryl's knives."

"He deserved it." She didn't have enough information to decide whether or not that was true but, judging from the venomous set to Magna's face, she certainly _believed_ it to be.

"When did you even get the chance?"

"I've got skills." There was a slight pull to her mouth, a hint of smugness in the gleam of her eyes.

She was fucking gloating.

Unbelievable.

"And was this before or after he was being a jackass?"

"Before. Power of foresight."

"Of course." Yumiko sighed, resisting the urge to walk away to easier pastures. She was achy and tired from patrol - which had culminated in a run-in with no less than _thirteen_ sickos - and had wanted nothing more than to return to Alexandria and have a nice peaceful meal with her girlfriend.

No such luck.

"You'd think getting stuck in a cave together would iron out any residual hostilities."

Magna snorted but said nothing.

Yumiko cut to the chase. "What did he say?"

"Maybe I was the one who said something."

"Maybe," she granted. "But you're not trying to melt that knife with the power of your gaze because of something _you_ said."

Magna hardened her jaw, remained silent.

She might just have to table this as one of those things that her girlfriend refused to talk about and try to do damage control with what little information she did have. If it failed, she could seek out Kelly later and ask for details on what went down.

Stepping closer, Yumiko tried to hand off one of the plates she'd carried over with her. "You should eat something."

"Not hungry," Magna muttered, still not looking up.

"Well it's going to go to waste if you don't eat it."

"Then give it to one of the kids. Or eat it yourself."

Lord give her strength. "Kelly said you skipped breakfast."

"So did you." She was doing a particular twirl with the knife that Yumiko thought she recognized as the Hellbent. Magna had always said that butterfly knives (or balisongs) were more entertaining than practical for self-defense.

But the entertainment side made them hard to pass up.

She knew that the other woman liked having something to do with her hands, to focus her energy.

Especially when she was pissed.

"Because I overslept." If law school hadn't managed to train that one character flaw out of her, the apocalypse certainly wasn't going to. She was more than comfortable with Magna being the early riser in their relationship. Yumiko needed her beauty sleep, especially considering she got so little of it. "I ate when I got up. What's your excuse?"

"I was busy." Magna looked around at everyone, a definite crease to her brow. "We shouldn't have brought back that stash, we really could have used it right now."

So that's what was bothering her. "We didn't know this was going to happen."

Though, thinking back, she could admit that had been naive of them. Yumiko had witnessed enough communities fall apart to understand the transient nature of such places. But Hilltop and Alexandria weren't _like_ any of the other places they'd been.

The energy was different, and the people.

All those other communities had been focused on survival and survival alone, almost desperate in their need to attain and maintain it.

Hilltop and Alexandria were the only ones she'd come across that were trying to find a way to _live_ again - and, from everything she'd seen, succeeding.

Kingdom as well.

(perhaps the latter's fate should have been enough to make her pause)

Magna made a noise of dissent. " _I_ did. So did Kelly. It's what always happens."

Yumiko sighed and took a seat, setting Magna's plate of food down between them in the hopes that it might entice the other woman eventually. Her own she set aside for now, her appetite curdled by growing frustration.

In many ways, she'd been wanting to have this conversation for a while. Knew that they needed to have it.

But she also dreaded its arrival. Wasn't sure she had the stamina or patience to see it through in her current state.

The lack of food was affecting Yumiko as well, even if it didn't lead her by the nose into disagreements with peeved-off hillbillies.

"Maybe you're right," she allowed. "But that wasn't the way to go about it. We could have made the decision as a group. All of us. Everyone at Hilltop. We could have all worked on making a stash."

At last, Magna looked up at her but her expression was pinched with anger. "And what if they said no? The minute shit started going missing, they'd know it was us cos we were the ones who brought up the idea in the first place. Then they'd have kicked us out."

She exhaled, raking a hand through her hair. "Maybe. Maybe they would have said yes. But that's a decision we should have made together. All of us. As a group. You, me, Kelly, Connie and Luke. That's how we do things."

How they'd always done things. At least, in the past.

That was all she'd wanted.

Magna looked away. "You guys wouldn't have gone for it. You believed in Hilltop too much. And I needed to make sure we had a backup plan. Too many times we haven't." She huffed. "Like now."

She bit her lip, considering that. "You can't keep stuff like that from me, Magna. We're in a relationship. We _tell_ each other things. We don't keep secrets. Not when it's something that involves both of us."

Or, at least, that was what she'd assumed.

The other woman turned on her, challenging. "And would you really have wanted to know? Say we did go ahead and do it. Would you really have wanted to know that we were stealing from these people? Would you really have wanted to be a part of that?" Yumiko hesitated - just a moment, but Magna caught it. "Yeah, that's what I thought. And you wonder why I didn't tell you?"

She snapped. "For God's sake, Magna, of course I wouldn't have wanted to be a part of it, but it's not about _want._ We do stuff together. As a team. Even if we don't like it."

She couldn't believe that it was still something she had to say. And yet most of the issues that cropped up between them came down to this one basic principle.

Both she and Magna were used to operating as lone wolves, they had for most of their lives. When they'd become friends, particularly in the time since the world ended, they'd had to get used to working together, to making decisions as a team rather than as individuals.

It hadn't been easy. Far from it, actually. And Yumiko knew that Magna wasn't the only one who'd struggled to adjust to that shift, who sometimes slipped up and made mistakes.

It didn't come naturally to either of them and inviting more people into that shaky dynamic had only increased the tension, made the learning curve ever steeper, just when they'd started to settle into some sort of rhythm.

But she'd thought they'd finally gotten the hang of it. That those difficulties were behind them.

Or, she had until three weeks ago.

Magna's brow furrowed, anger fading as confusion set in. "But what's the point? Kelly and I had it handled. We were getting it done. And we were okay with that. Why make the rest of you feel like shit when it wasn't necessary?"

Yumiko paused, the words taking her aback.

It was perhaps the first thing Magna had said since the incident that wasn't an offense - or a defense.

A simple question.

And Yumiko could understand how she'd come by it.

She sighed, reaching out and taking her hand. Magna's eyes widened slightly, wariness written into her features. Gentleness always shook her more than attacks.

Yumiko knew to wait for some of the tension to ease out of her girlfriend's hand before speaking. Having this tether between them, this physical reassurance of their love, was a tool she'd learned to rely on when disarming conflict - though sometimes she was too frustrated to remember to employ it. It settled them both, anchoring them in the moment, softened words that might otherwise have felt like an attack.

"Do you want to know what made me feel like shit? Realizing that my friends, my _family,_ were keeping me in the dark about something. Were lying to me." She closed her eyes a moment. "That the woman I _loved_ was lying to me. It hurt. And it made me feel like an idiot."

Magna winced. "That wasn't what I was trying to do. I was just trying to-"

"Protect us?" She finished. Magna's mouth closed. "I know. Control the situation. Handle things. So that we didn't have to. I'm familiar with the concept." Yumiko's lips peeked up. " _Someone_ pointed out to me, not long ago, that I tend to make decisions for people, too. So maybe that's something we both need to work on. Let go of the reigns a little."

Magna's mouth curled. "You _do_ have quite a few control issues."

Yumiko rolled her eyes, looking away. "Sure you want to start throwing stones? I've built up more than enough ammo over the years to haul some back."

Magna's mouth slammed shut and her own twitched in faint amusement.

"Mm. That's what I thought."

Despite the tease, she had no intention of ever following through on it.

Whilst she _had_ built up a sizable collection of ammo during their relationship, she'd never consider using any of it against Magna. The majority of the time, that ammo had its roots in trauma - trauma, Yumiko suspected, she didn't even know the half of. It didn't absolve the other woman of blame but she also couldn't be held entirely responsible for the reactions that had been hardwired into her brain.

The thought patterns and defense mechanism birthed by a thousand bad experiences.

Sometimes, that got Magna into trouble.

Sometimes, it saved her life. Saved _all_ of their lives.

Yumiko held no misconceptions over which outcome would matter most to the woman beside her.

She knew Magna had kept multiple stashes in prison because she'd been caught out that last year. The items themselves - Ramen, nuts, snack bars - weren't contraband but the accumulation and sheer amount of them were. That day had been a headache for Yumiko, though she understood where the other woman was coming from - she knew that the amount of food supplied to the inmates was, for lack of a better term, insufficient. It was why she'd given Magna funds for the commissary in the first place, something she'd had to strong-arm her into accepting - she just hadn't planned on her hoarding what items she managed to get her hands on as a result.

It hadn't made any sense to her at the time, but in the years since, she'd grown far more familiar with Magna's thought process. It wouldn't surprise her if all along the other woman had been preparing herself for the day that Yumiko _stopped_ supplying her with funds, or disappeared from her life altogether - it was a paranoia that hadn't been contained to the harsh walls of prison. It survived in her till this day, no matter what Yumiko tried to do to counter it.

At this point, she didn't know what more she _could_ do to disavow Magna of that fear, to get it through to her that she was here to stay. If given a choice in the matter, Yumiko would always choose to stay. She believed that.

She just wished Magna could believe it too.

In the end, she'd persuaded her to dispense with the stash. It was a struggle but a necessary one. She didn't want the prison to find any more faults with Magna that could then be conjured up at trial.

It was sheer luck that none of her makeshift weapons had been contained in that particular stash. She knew the other woman kept more than a few - mostly because she'd spent the majority of her time as her lawyer trying to convince Magna to get rid of them - there was no possible way she could spin a positive light on something like that if she was ever caught.

It was an argument she'd finally won in the weeks leading up to the trial as at last it seemed to sink in for Magna that it was really happening, that her shot at freedom wasn't just an illusion.

But her paranoia hadn't lessened with the opening of her cell door.

Yumiko could still remember the time she'd found a bunch of granola bars and other paraphernalia down the crevice of Magna's couch. The way the other woman had flushed in embarrassment and hastily swiped them from her hands to stuff away in a cupboard. There was no need to have a secret stash then, being out of prison, living alone in her own apartment, but she still kept one anyway. It was a habit that had refused to break in all the years Yumiko had known her.

It was why she hadn't been surprised by Magna stealing from Hilltop, only by the fact that she'd chosen to keep her in the dark about it.

She'd trusted that the other woman would tell her the truth. Trusted her so much that she'd trampled down any and all building suspicions around the missing supplies and believed her. Believed her when she said she didn't know what had happened to them. Believed the explanation about being preoccupied with a sicko attack at the breach.

She'd believed her.

Because after all these years together, she couldn't entertain the thought that she shouldn't.

Refused to.

Now she wondered if she'd ever be able to regain that same kind of belief again. If the trust that had been broken between them would always bear a scar, too deep to fade.

They sat in silence for a time before Yumiko spoke again. "It was never what you did that upset me, Magna. It was the lie."

Just like with Brian Lawson.

Magna wet her lips, digesting that. "Then I'm sorry," she decided finally, surprising her. "You're right. It was a shitty thing to do."

"Yes it was." Yumiko couldn't let her off the hook for it, even though a part of her wanted to. She shrugged, "But I understand a little better now why you did it." Hesitation slowed her next words. "Please don't do it again, though. We won't always agree on everything. But I want to at least have those conversations. To make those choices together."

She wanted to be a team again.

Ride or Die.

Magna shifted, pocketing Daryl's knife as she considered this. "I can't promise I won't fuck up again, Miko. I don't want to. But that never really seems to matter. Somehow I always manage it." She exhaled, running a hand through her hair. "I don't trust myself to not fuck up. But I'll try. I. . ."

It wasn't the answer Yumiko had wanted and she pursed her lips. But she could still make do with it. For now. She knew that progress took time and none of their issues could be fixed in a day, or a single conversation.

Magna had earned that time.

They both had.

"No more big lies. Can you promise that?"

She hesitated but nodded. "Yeah. I can promise that."

Yumiko exhaled slightly in relief, smiling a little. "Then I can work with that."

Magna's face flickered with a surprised smile before the expression settled more comfortably on her face. "Okay then."

Progress.

* * *

_"Compromise is the best and cheapest lawyer"_

_― Robert Louis Stevenson_


	5. Negotiation

**Past**

"She's gonna kill you for this," Morgan commented idly as they watched Maisie single-handedly demolish two happy meals in record time. Magna knew it would be wiser to slow the girl's pace but it wasn't like she could stow the leftovers in the fridge for later - that would just alert their aunt to her crime even faster.

It would be a lie to say a part of her wasn't hoping the woman would never become aware at all.

"Not if she doesn't find out." It was possible that she'd be able to replace the money with some of what she got on Sunday from babysitting before her aunt noticed.

Morgan looked at her like she'd just suggested they paint wings on their backs and fly away to fairyland. Not a bad idea. She bet there was lots of food there. Fairy bread and shit. And Maisie already had the wings, as crushed and miserable looking as they were. "She always finds out."

Magna crossed her arms but said nothing, lips twitching as she watched Maisie all but inhale a French fry. "It'll be fine."

Somehow, someway, it always was.

Bruises healed.

And the world kept turning.

If she'd learnt anything in her life it was that.

But Morgan wasn't reassured. "You can't keep doing this, Mags. Not by yourself. I'm gonna start swiping stuff too."

"No."

No way in hell.

"I'm old enough now."

"No," she said, sharper this time. Maisie startled and glanced up at them, returning to her meal only after Magna had reassured her with a brief upturn of the lips. Waiting a moment, she lowered her voice, leaning closer to Morgan. "I've got it handled."

He looked at the empty McDonald's cartons in disbelief. "This is _handled_?"

Ungrateful dick.

"I'm doing my best," she hissed.

"I know," he snapped. "Which is why I want to help. This shouldn't all be on you."

Some of her anger deflated but she was no closer to compromising on her position. "No. You're not sneaky enough."

He looked offended. "I can be sneaky."

Like a bull in a china shop, maybe. "No, you can't."

"I can. And even if she caught me, she wouldn't do anything anyway. She likes me."

That stung. A little.

Mostly because it was true.

Magna snorted. "No, but she'd find a way to blame me for it."

Somehow.

She always did. Probably would say she'd bullied him into it, or been a bad influence.

Magna could suggest that he save some shit from lunch like she'd taken to doing but that would mean that he'd be going hungry, just like her. And she couldn't allow that. Not yet. Things weren't that dire.

And if she had anything to say about it, they never would be.

Besides, it had taken time for her to work out which foods would spoil and needed to be eaten immediately and which could be relied upon to keep for a later date. She'd battled through quite a few horrible cases of food poisoning over the years as a result of getting it wrong, but these days the decision was almost intuitive.

She couldn't trust Morgan to be so discerning.

"I've got it handled," Magna repeated, this time more firmly.

He didn't look convinced but neglected to argue any further. On matters like this, her word was law. "You're gonna get in trouble."

Magna shrugged. "So I get in trouble. No big deal. I'm always in trouble."

When she glanced back down at Maisie, though, she found the younger girl's eyes already on her, face screwed up in distress.

Shit.

"Are you going to get in trouble?" Maisie asked quietly, pushing the rest of her McDonald's away like it had suddenly caught a bad smell.

Fucking Morgan.

"No." Magna shook her head and crouched down in front of her. "Or, at least, no more than the usual."

Her brother scoffed and turned away. She balled a fist behind her back, raising the middle finger in the hopes that when he did face them again, that would be the first thing he saw.

Maisie wasn't satisfied. "I don't want you to get in trouble."

Well, that made two of them. "Sometimes we have to go through shit we don't want in order to get the things we do want."

"Like McDonald's?"

"Yeah. Like McDonald's."

Maisie bit her lip and shoved the still half-full carton further away. "Well, I don't want McDonald's."

Magna closed her eyes and prayed for patience.

Luckily, Morgan intervened. About time he actually did something useful for a change.

"She's gonna get in trouble either way now, Mais. If you finish your food, at least she won't be getting in trouble for nothing."

Magna would have preferred Maisie not know about her getting in trouble at all but that was already out the window, thanks to Morgan. At least he was trying to clean up his shit for once.

The child frowned, hesitated a moment before drawing the carton back to her. For the next minute, she carefully divided up her fries before placing half on Magna's lap. "Being in trouble is always worse when you're hungry. And French fries make everything better."

Magna smiled reluctantly. She didn't want any of Maisie's food but the hard set to the girl's face told her that she was determined and there would be no altering her course. Sighing, she placed a fry in her mouth, wishing her stomach didn't immediately grumble in ecstasy at the explosion of grease and salt across her taste buds. Some of what the gross corporation had to offer wasn't too bad, she could admit that. French Fries and Sundaes being the prime example. Everything else, though? Hard pass. "Happy?"

Maisie chewed her lip a moment before sliding her half-full thickshake across the carpet to Magna and raising her eyebrows expectantly.

Magna sighed but obediently took a sip of the drink, knowing that it would just leave her wanting more. More than she could have.

The girl watched her closely a moment, eyes narrowed until she was suitably satisfied with how much she'd consumed. "I believe I am now content."

Morgan snorted and Magna rolled her eyes. "Yay. Do you even know what that word means?"

Maisie crossed her arms and raised her chin. "Do you?"

She reached behind her to punch Morgan in the side to silence his giggles. "I did not raise you to be this snarky."

The girl hummed, popping a fry in her mouth. "I just follow your example."

Magna huffed, knowing deep down that it was probably true.

She hoped that it was the only thing about her that Maisie followed. She was a good kid, she didn't deserve to take after someone like her.

She was better than that.

"Sure," Magna grunted, but it was hard to keep up even a pretense of irritation when next Maisie rolled towards her and planted a smackingly loud kiss on her cheek, complete with added slobber.

"Don't worry, you're still the most snarky of all of us."

Magna smiled and knew the tingling sensation of greasy lips against her skin would see her through the pain to come.

* * *

**Present**

When Magna was angry or hurt, she tended to refuse food as a protest - she'd been doing that even before Yumiko had known her and she hadn't stopped in the time since. Unfortunately, she didn't seem to realize or care that the only person this denial ended up hurting was herself. A part of Yumiko suspected _(feared)_ that maybe that was the point. Magna had a lot of anger, and not nearly enough suitable targets to direct it at. When she couldn't lash out at another person, she chose the next available option - herself.

(or sometimes she skipped right to doing that anyway)

Yumiko still hadn't worked out whether that was something the other woman was aware of or if it was entirely subconscious.

_Or_ if it was something she would be open to talking about in the future.

Preferably in the next twenty minutes.

Knowing Magna, though, probably not.

Still, given her own issues with food, Yumiko was hardly in a position to judge.

She nudged the plate at her side one more time. "No sex unless you eat something." Yumiko raised an eyebrow at the disbelieving expression she got in return. "What? You need your calories for that. Can't have you passing out on me again."

Magna scowled and yanked the plate from her hand, steadfastly ignoring Yumiko's smirk at the action. "That was _one_ time. And it's because I hadn't slept for three days, not because I hadn't eaten."

She was well aware.

Like her, Magna tended towards insomnia most nights. It was different to her own, however, which usually only arose when something had happened or she was under a certain level of stress. Magna's didn't seem to have any rhyme or reason to it, which made it harder to predict and manage. Yumiko had employed some dirty tactics in the past in an effort to do so.

Getting her girlfriend to relax through sex was one of them - and one Magna hadn't quite caught onto yet. She'd figured it was a probable solution after discovering how well it helped _her_ when she was having trouble sleeping, mostly because it got her mind off things and lowered her stress levels.

When it came to Magna, it was sort of a hit and miss, but in this instance it had ended up working a little _too_ well.

Her girlfriend falling asleep on her halfway through sex wasn't something she was likely to forget anytime soon. But it had been worth it just to see the other woman finally asleep when she'd been running on nothing but fumes for days, and getting more and more short-tempered as a result - Luke and Kelly had taken to avoiding her completely and even Connie had kept a wide birth by the third day.

Plus, she'd gotten her fair share of amusement from watching Magna blush and fumble her way through a (highly unnecessary) apology the next morning.

Noticing her amusement - which Yumiko made no attempt to hide - her girlfriend huffed. "Stop it. That shit was so embarrassing."

She grinned. "For you maybe. From my end, it was hilarious."

Magna scowled.

"I can't believe you're pulling the 'no sex' card," she grumbled after a moment, ducking her head and picking angrily at her food.

Yumiko shrugged, smiling to herself as she started on her own lunch. "Well it worked, didn't it? Usually does."

The other woman muttered something unintelligible - and likely unflattering - under her breath but didn't refute that. Yumiko watched her a little longer until she was satisfied that it wasn't a fluke and Magna actually intended to finish her lunch. Reassured, she raised the topic that she hadn't been certain she should broach. "What did Daryl say to you?"

Magna shrugged, picking out a few slivers of mushroom from her stew and dropping them onto Yumiko's plate. "Nothing."

"If it was nothing, why did you look ready to stab someone when I came over here?"

Her lips pressed into an impenetrable line and Yumiko sighed as yet more mushrooms landed on her plate.

Magna had always had a strong distaste for the fungus - or perhaps a better word was 'distrust'. (' _They can kill you or make you high - and we put them in our_ _ **food**_ _?!')._ From the beginning, they'd come to some sort of wordless agreement that Yumiko would be the mushroom eater in their relationship. And by 'agreement' she meant Magna had picked all of the mushrooms out of her pasta the second time they'd shared dinner together and piled them onto her napkin, at which point Yumiko, hating to see any food go to waste, had collected the mushrooms for herself. The trend had continued ever since, though Magna now skipped straight to dumping them right onto her plate.

It was more environmentally friendly.

"That bad, huh?" she asked, watching as yet another mushroom joined its comrades.

"It was just a bunch of bullshit."

"Mm." She popped one of the pieces into her mouth, chewing thoughtfully. "Well, I haven't reached my bullshit quota for the day so let's hear it."

Another pause in which Magna stabbed at a piece of meat - the source of which Yumiko would rather not guess at, though her tastebuds hinted at squirrel. "Do you think I'm selfish?"

Yumiko paused, fork halfway to her mouth. ". . . No." She lowered the utensil, considering the other woman with renewed care. "I don't think you're selfish."

Magna snorted, stabbed at another piece of meat even though she had yet to eat the first one. "You'd be one of the few."

"They don't know you. I do. That's all there is to it."

She could tell from the little shake of Magna's head as she poked at her plate that this sentiment failed to reassure.

Like most people, Magna had her flaws but selfishness had never been one of them, at least for as long as Yumiko had known her. She'd put herself at risk for the sake of others far too many times for her to think that. Hell, she'd risked life imprisonment because killing the man who had hurt her cousin was more important than any future she might imagine for herself. That wasn't the act of a selfish person.

And Yumiko knew that she'd been prepared to kill Michonne for the sake of their group, for the sake of _her_.

She'd always been willing to bloody her hands for other people. Yumiko had known that for years, even if she wished it wasn't the case.

And she knew that a part of that self-sacrifice came from a place of thinking she deserved to be the one who did those things. She'd 'ruined' herself years ago, so what did it matter if she forced a little more blood onto her hands?

And that was a self-destructive rationalization that Yumiko hadn't yet worked out how to tackle.

She frowned, dropping her fork and leaning forward. "I think that sometimes your actions can be selfish, but the intent behind them rarely is - in fact, it's usually the opposite." She smiled slightly, trying to lighten things. "You're selfish about the people you care about. I'm not sure that's necessarily a bad thing."

Magna frowned, watching her as she took that in. Yumiko could tell from her face that she wasn't entirely convinced. A part of her wanted to march over to Daryl and rip him a new one but she knew that wouldn't be appreciated by the woman beside her. She'd never liked her butting into her affairs, fighting her battles for her. For Yumiko, a person doing something like that was a sign that they cared. For Magna, it was proof that you didn't think she could handle her own shit.

Nor did she like anyone making a fuss over her. Yumiko knew that only made her feel like a problem, a burden for other people to carry. To worry over.

_That_ Yumiko could relate to.

Her childhood had been full of that feeling and she was still learning how to shake it, all these years later.

Magna watched her carefully. "You really believe that?"

"I do." She rolled her eyes suddenly as she reached for her fork again. "I actually wish you'd be a little _more_ selfish with yourself. Might slow the rate at which I'm getting grey hairs." She hesitated, thinking back on their conversation. "This was what brought up the talk about the stash, isn't it?"

Magna shrugged but said nothing, which was an answer in itself.

Well, that explained a lot.

That stash was still a great source of tension between the other woman and Daryl, from what she'd seen. "Why do you care what Daryl thinks of you? You don't even like him."

"I _don_ _'t_ care." Another stab, though this time she at least ate her catch. "Just wondered if maybe he was right."

Yumiko frowned.

Most of the time, Magna acted like she didn't give a fuck what anyone thought of her. Though she knew that was mostly a front, created out of necessity. People had a tendency to judge Magna off the bat, long before they actually got the chance to know her, and pretending that she didn't feel the sting of that judgment was how she had learned to cope. A lot of the time, that defense was a little too proactive, Magna expecting others to think the worst of her and skipping forward into acting like she'd already received confirmation that they did. This, in turn, sparked the judgment and dislike she'd been fearing in the first place and snowballed her into the defensive and - all too often - offensive as result.

It was a vicious cycle that Yumiko often struggled to find the pause button on.

She'd been caught up in it, too, more times than she could count and it had sparked far too many fights between them over the years.

Though, their last argument had certainly been the worst of them.

"He wasn't right," she said finally, taking a hold of Magna's hand which had only grown more violent in its pursuit of sustenance. Yumiko squeezed it gently until she felt the muscles relax slightly under her grip. "But stealing his knives probably isn't going to endear him to you."

"Fuck him. I don't need him to like me."

Taking the fork from Magna's lax hand, she skewered some meat - far more gently than the other woman had been doing - and raised it to hover in front of her girlfriend's mouth, waiting.

Magna rolled her eyes at the gesture but allowed it, opening her mouth.

Yumiko smirked slightly, feeding her the offering before lowering the fork in search of more to repeat the process. This was another tactic she'd picked up years before sex had become a possible bargaining chip between them and it tended to get the job done. "Well, it would certainly make my life easier if the two of you got along. Connie's too, when we finally get her back." Magna's expression flickered and Yumiko felt an answering twist in her heart. _Connie_. "It would also probably be wise. He has power here. People trust him, look to him. It would be better for all of us if he didn't hate you."

He also seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. Yumiko liked him, respected his honesty and his skill with a crossbow.

She'd rather a person like that have her girlfriend's back when things went sideways than possibly becoming someone who might shove a knife into it.

And the added bonus of things being more peaceful certainly wouldn't hurt.

Magna's face twisted, clearly not sold on the idea. "He's a dick."

Yumiko snorted, raising the fork back up. "So are you, most of the time."

Magna's lips pressed into a scowl as she refused the morsel of food for a stubborn second before giving way to the insistent prodding of her fork.

"I'm not asking you to like him. Just to stop antagonizing him."

"What if he's the one antagonizing me?"

"Walk away. Then you get to be the bigger person." Even as she said it, she knew it was a tall order. Magna had a short fuse and Daryl was a man, one with a demonstrated propensity to get on her nerves _and_ be confrontational. All three things put him in opposition to Magna and Yumiko wasn't confident that this would go the way of Bernie.

Bernie had _liked_ Magna, even as he'd done his best to piss her off.

Daryl probably wished he'd never had the poor luck of meeting her.

Which was unfortunate because she suspected that they might actually have a lot in common.

"I don't know," Magna pondered. "Stealing his knives sounds more fun."

She sighed but decided not to press it for now. "Just don't stab him with one, for God sakes."

Her mouth ticked up. "Well, that sounds like even more fun."

Yumiko closed her eyes and prayed for patience.

When she opened them again, it was to Magna's smirk, her eyes light with mischief. She couldn't deny it was a welcome sight, given her earlier mood.

Shaking her head and smiling despite herself, Yumiko sighed and armed herself with the fork once more. "Open up."

The other woman accepted the instruction with an eye roll. They continued like this for some time before she entrusted the plate and fork back to Magna so she could continue herself, confident that the protest was over.

"I wasn't skipping breakfast," she said suddenly, leaving Yumiko somewhat bewildered by the subject change.

It took her a second or two to catch up.

She frowned. "I thought we'd agreed no more lies."

Magna huffed, fiddling with the fork on her plate with growing frustration and more than a little unease. "No, I mean. . . I wasn't _trying_ to skip breakfast. RJ was still hungry so Judith gave him hers."

Understanding dawned. "So you gave her yours."

Magna shrugged, gaze consumed by her fork as she continued to fiddle with it. "Kids shouldn't be hungry."

"No. They shouldn't." She didn't like the idea of it any more than Magna. In a perfect world, they wouldn't be. But the world wasn't perfect. The world had never been perfect. Kids starved these days as readily as they had before everything went to hell. The only difference was that now the injustice was in plain sight for everyone to see, impossible to ignore. But Magna had never had the luxury of ignorance in that regard. She'd always seen it. "And neither should you."

The other woman rolled her eyes and looked away, mouth creasing uncomfortably.

She knew that money had been tight in Magna's family and as a result food wasn't always readily available. She'd gone without for the sake of her brother and cousin when she could and Yumiko suspected that witnessing Judith do the same for her own brother might have stirred up some memories that made her even more vulnerable to Daryl's attack.

"This isn't like back then," Yumiko started after a moment, not sure if she really wanted to tiptoe any further into that minefield just now. "You don't have to take care of everyone."

"I'm not," Magna huffed. "I don't even care about most of the people here."

Yumiko snorted. "Well, that's a lie." She laid a hand on top of Magna's, though, hoping to settle the nervous agitation she could see rising in her. The urge to flee. "None of these kids are your responsibility. If something happens to them, it's not on you."

Unlike Maisie and Morgan.

Unlike Sarah.

But, then, those kids hadn't been Magna's responsibility, either, no matter how much she'd convinced herself they were.

Magna swallowed and looked away. She knew that this was a hard pill for her to force down. Likely, she wouldn't manage it today. But Yumiko could try. "I gave her my breakfast. That's all. You don't have to read into it."

She sighed but let the subject drop. Out of the corner of her eye, though, something caught her attention and she smiled. "Well, I think your sacrifice was appreciated, at any rate."

She tilted her head in indication and Magna frowned, turning to follow her gaze with confusion.

On the other side of the room, Judith sent back an enthusiastic wave, beaming.

She'd been doing the same when Yumiko had first noticed her and she suspected she'd been trying to capture Magna's attention for some time.

The younger woman's brow furrowed and she sent back one of the awkwardest waves Yumiko had ever seen.

She smiled to herself, ducking her head. "It's so nice to see you making new friends."

Magna scowled at her. "She's _nine._ "

"Well you _act_ like you're nine sometimes so you should get along great." Her grin fell away however when a large, sloppy slice of mushroom smacked into her forehead, covering her skin in foul-smelling slush. "Magna!"

The other woman shrugged with a small self-satisfied smirk. "Just proving your point."

If they weren't so short on food, Yumiko would have emptied her plate over her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I am planning to write a series of one-shots centered around Magna (and Yumiko eventually) building a relationship with Judith as part of the process of Magna healing from what happened with Maisie. It's also just pure self-indulgence because that scene where Judith takes Magna's hand strikes me in the heart everytime. I wish we had more scenes of them interacting. But it will be a while before I get to that. Likely after the Yumiko centric fic.
> 
> Also, much later than that, there'll be a fic revolving around Yumagna's adventures in babysitting when it comes to Coco lol.
> 
> Also how cute were Eleanor's Mother's Day photo? Made me squeal.

**Author's Note:**

> so this chapter came about because I really wanted to give some time to focusing on Yumiko's feelings around everything that had happened. Whilst I fully understand where Magna was coming from, that doesn't negate the fact that she broke Yumiko's trust and broken trust is hard to overcome. That was mostly dealt with in 'if you love me, don't let go' but it's an issue between them that will still likely crop up throughout this series as they continue to work on it. Trust takes time to repair. And Yumiko and Magna both have a history with their trust being violated so it's a thorny issue for them.
> 
> Anyone else feeling extremely deprived of yumagna? I need them back :(  
> . . .  
> Also, if you ever want to talk (about anything) my instagram is @yumagnas.home and my twitter is @tocaritas :)


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